Deflowering

Its been 5 months since I landed here. I don't know if its the gloominess of the winter or the funereal silence in my apartment that is making me write this entry. I don't have a very clear idea as to why people blog, but the note(mac)book offers a vicarious satisfaction in the absence of a converser. And for me that is a, weird, but good enough reason to write. So continuing with my story, the 5 months have flown by pretty uneventfully, and yet, arguably, I have learnt about life more than in the so-called impressionable phases of undergrad life. I ask myself, why is that? Part of the answer is very obvious, I had loads of free time to (over)think about different things, on which I never used to think. Not that I did not have free time as an undergrad, but there were certain trivial pursuits that were constantly running at the back of the mind. They unconsciously gave me a sense of direction and motivation, which, I so desperately want right now. Also, unlike the American culture, the doors in India are always open. You are always in the middle of a crowd, whether you like it or not. I don't mean that people aren't friendly here, but its just the way it is, and I think, has always been. These people are paranoid about privacy, distance and independence etc. So I had lots of time to myself, uninterrupted by anybody. Which, in hindsight, sounds uneventful (euphemism?), but thats what it took to realize it.

Another reason why I call these 5 months a great learning experience is that I realized it the hard way that people change. Friends whom you think you have known for as long as you can remember, aren't exactly the same people anymore. As obvious as it may sound, it is a hard pill to swallow. And when the realization starts to sink in, thats when you feel really lonely. Certain aspects of their personalities that you thought never existed, become the dominant ones. Come to think of it, it is foolish not to change yourself with time (and space maybe). After all, what is the point of living if you didn't strive to be better than what you were yesterday.

In the same vein of friendship, I had no choice but to make new friends. The comfort zone amongst your old friends is no longer there. You feel vulnerable and desperately try to find a group of people that you are comfortable with. Believe it or not, it takes effort to make new friends, to come out of the comfort zone and expose yourself to the scrutiny of other people. Especially for an introvert like me, its quite a task. I don't really know or remember how exactly I made friends as an undergrad ( I guess I didn't have many!). It is as if they were always my friends. Somehow, I feel, the time and space made it much more easier then. As is usually the case, now do I realize the true value of those relationships (lets not forget the family also,). One of the reasons why it becomes difficult to make very good friends here, especially with the international community is, the cliché of culture difference. Coming from a city in India, on a materialistic level, it isn't much of a culture shock. But the differences lie more deeper than that. You can have fun and hang around with people, but at the end of the day, you know you are different. You don't want to lose your identity, at the same time you don't want to be left out. You are stuck in a limbo, and the next time you want to go out, it plays on your mind. And then there is this girlfriend-curse. I call it a curse because, if you are a shy loser with no girlfriend like me, you will have to face that ignominy almost every time you go out with people, who are in some stage of a "real" relationship. To not have one ever, is unmentionable. The easy way out is to maintain distance, so that these sorts of things are avoided and you maintain your dignity. So you tend to hang out with the very few ones of your kind (race/colour), and be "happy" in the closed comfort zone. I understand why people do that, but I guess you will have to draw a line somewhere. You will have to do something about it, otherwise what is the point in coming 5000 miles, to be with the same set of ideas and concerns. I must say it is very refreshing to hear other perspectives on the same topic. If not anything else, it will make you learn to look at the same questions with different points of view, which may prove useful in the future. I write this, not as an advice to the reader, but for it to be more of a guideline for myself whenever I tend to fall into my reticent self.

Another important aspect of the culture here that is worth learning is they don't trivialize things. In India, there's a habit of trivializing everything at some level or the other. Here, it is not so. Packaging and marketing are as important as the product itself, if not more. We are brought up with the notion of "big picture", but its important to know that the minor things are also crucial. This is applicable to all walks of life. As I am learning, life becomes much more enjoyable if we take pleasure in small small things, rather than wait for the one big milestone. You need to have a small goal or something to look forward to each day, otherwise you feel lost and utterly dispirited. As an undergrad, the motivations are trivial and to a large extent, governed by the circumstances around you. Most of your colleagues are driven by the same factors and hence you never lose direction. But as a grad, you are expected to be motivated by yourself, think and work independently. As I am discovering, its not a trivial task. So you run into confusions as to what really motivates you, on the one hand you want yourself to dream big, and on the other, you want to live for each day. I guess it takes time to find the middle ground.



As I read this again, I cant help but feel a bit sad and nostalgic about the times gone by. But I guess its upto me to make the future at least a bit more interesting and happening.

"Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide"- Pink Floyd, High hopes.

Cheers!