Over the past couple of days, I have been getting this weird notion that I always desire that which I cannot have. The past couple of meetings with professors have opened my eyes to this dreadful trait. Whenever I meet a professor who is interested in experimental work, I say to myself that I want more computation. Whenever I talk to a theorist, I feel the opposite. And then, at the end of the day, I wail about not having an advisor, a research group, a direction etc. My friends try to placate me by saying that its good that I am taking time to choose an advisor, so that I choose the right one, but the truth is, I don't know what right is. I don't know exactly what I want, there are things which I know interest me, and then there are things which I don't know that might be interesting. Call it fear of commitment, or the classical case of greener grass on the other side, it gets frustrating after some time. As I think more about it, this idiosyncrasy was evident in all my behaviors in the past. I didn't want the major that I got into during my undergrad (I am starting to think otherwise now, but...), I wanted the girl that I could not have got, wanted the sporting success which maybe I did not deserve, wanted to be a different person than I turned out to be. Its as if there is a masochistic gene that expresses itself so strongly that, the 'content' emotion is lost in its wake. Its as if the pain makes me feel alive :). I might be mistaken for over-ambitious, but in reality, I know that I am not. I am just twisted. My brain just picks a reason to trivialize what I have got, and conjures up some reason for being unhappy. Back home, I dreamed about coming here, and now once I am here, I dream about home. I don't know, the 'unknown' holds a lot of charm for me. The reality, the present, is just a formality, a means to get to the future. The future is where I belong. The future is in your head at present, and you can mould it the way you want it to be. There are no limitations, no boundaries, no ropes to pull you back. Freedom in its most truest, unfettered sense.
Then again, life is not about a destination, its a journey you want to enjoy and experience to the fullest. So, there's no point in waiting for something to happen, you just have to learn to enjoy the wait, the journey!
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6 comments:
The "unknown" or "forbidden" or "what one does not have" will always have a special charm because one has made up such a beautiful (perhaps fake) mental image of it. You might yearn for 10 qualities that you do not possess but at the same time you might be having a single quality which separates from you the rest ("You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details. "). Hence you should never trivialize what you are or what you have.
For me this is of more literary value than the thoughts for I am one of the fortunate few who get to interact with this great intellectual when he is in the process of formulating the article :)
I agree with his viewpoint about experiencing the journey more than the destination...may be the answer to finding your real destination could be found in the journey itself...so why lose that chance ?
Wanting to have "what one does not have" is what drives one to move ahead in life.Once we get contended with whatever we have,spice of life just vanishes.Setting goals & working towards achieveing them is what life is all about.
But as they say,we cant have all tht we desired for,thts not in our hands...but wht we can do is juz live with it :)
man... whats happening .. have never known u more than this blog.... my sassy girl... u rock.... will have a detailed chat sometime.... bye for now..
anonymous
guess I am late visitor to your blog, nonetheless...caught up by reading all of them in a go! :) awesome posts ! Must say I really appreciate your ability to transform thoughts into words with sheer clarity and honesty. As far as this post goes, I would say everyone goes through this process of finding the 'right' thing and its an ongoing never-ending process. In this process, sometimes one starts feeling that what he/she is into currently is not somehow 'right' since there's a hope/ambition to achieve something more 'right'! There's a tendency then to have a lesser sense of appreciation/pride for what one already has!...this resonates with your point about life being a journey and not about a destination. Cool man...keep the posts rolling!
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